May 22nd and 23rd - Fox Glacier and Wanaka

My Holmes-ian sense of detection was waving red flags when we were trying to decide which glacier to explore. Both the Franz Josef and Fox glaciers are essentially identical, surrounded by townships purpose built to cater to tourists with Franz Josef being slightly larger and slightly more popular as it is a few kilometers closer to the main highway from Christchurch. Lonely Planet openly admitted that it was a coin toss to decide between the two. Oddly enough, there was a $25 price difference between the 4 hour ice treks on each glacier, despite our 2008 Lonely Planet stating that the price used to be the same. When we inquired at the info desk for the Franz Josef walk they claimed with pride that it included ‘’free entry to the hot springs’’ which would’ve otherwise cost us, yep, $25. Now I’m no conspiracy theorist but it would appear that the glacier folk are in cahoots with the hot spring folk. Since we aren’t suckers we decided to just spend the night in Franz Josef and make our way to the early bird Fox glacier walk. For the first time in a while we opted for a dorm room and we were made to pay for this slip in judgement. As previously mentioned, the body odor permeated everything to the point that it was almost a physical entity, floating about, mocking us in all its stinky pomposity. We were able to get to sleep just fine but a female roommate returned to the room around 3am and proceeded to organize all of her belongings in a systematic fashion designed to produce the most annoying noise possible. Luckily there were others in there that weren’t as good as I at holding their tongues and they let her have it, allowing me to save face. The awkward part for Kelsey and I came at 7am when we had to wake up to make it to the glacier in time and so we had to be exceptionally silent such that we didn’t awake the slumbering monsters that had exploded only four hours earlier. Climbing the Fox glacier was a treat, made infinitely better by the fact that I could make as many ice puns as I wanted and feel validated that they were appropriate. Our Argentinian guide particularly enjoyed when I said ‘’Ice to meet you’’ to Kelsey and I remarked that I’d let her use that to start her tours from now on. Those guides have it pretty sweet, getting to climb around on a glacier all day, wielding giant ice-picks and having the opportunity to make those ice puns, I am jelly. After the walk I was rather tired, having had a sub-par sleep and being subjected to the cold for that long. Unfortunately our map said we had a 6 hour drive down the remainder of the west coast and inland through the mountains to the Lake District and Wanaka. At first I thought that the map was telling the truth as I was forced to a near halt about 15 times in the first hour at the many one lane bridges that exist in this country. Perhaps because we didn’t stop for a pee break or for any of the minor natural attractions along the way we were able to make it to Wanaka in less than 4 hours. Simon had said that if there were one place he’d definitely consider settling down in for a little while, it would be Wanaka. It is a small town of about 3500 people sandwiched between a bunch of beautiful, mountain-fed lakes that acts as a base of sorts for some of the surrounding ski fields. We were overjoyed that our hostel had an amazing view over Lake Wanaka and we were even more thrilled to discover that we were the only two occupants of the en suite share room we were given! I especially was jumping for joy at this as I was looking forward to a solid sleep before our sky diving excursion the next day. We spent the evening at a New Zealand treasure, the Cinema Paradiso. It’s a small theatre and café about a quarter of the size of the Garneau theatre with a handful of interesting features. Firstly, most people arrive a bit early and enjoy a glass of wine in the attached café. The theatre itself is filled with couches and even an old car to allow people to either feel at home or like they’re at a drive-in. Before the movie they even have homemade advertisements for theatre etiquette as well as for local businesses. Lastly and most importantly, regardless of the film they hold a short intermission halfway through where you can purchase cookies that have been baked fresh to correspond with the timing of the intermission, or pick up a pre ordered dinner to eat at your couch back in the theatre. It seems to be doing quite well as they show the latest Hollywood fare as well as art-house flicks for squares like Kelsey and I. We were already in our bunks and reading when the proprietor opened our door and announced that there were two people taking the remaining beds in the share room. At first I was impartial as I figure I’d be asleep momentarily and I would barely notice their presence; this was not the case. One of the pair snored so loud I was worried for the foundations of the bunkhouse. It kept me up for at least an hour according to the indiglo on my watch. I tried everything, pillow over my head, plugging my ears with my fingers, wearing my DJ headphones, as well as combinations of these things, all to no avail. I pounced on the single opportunity where he made such a snort that he woke himself up and somehow willed myself to sleep. Luckily they disappeared early in the morning and I was able to rest my body and mind for skydiving that afternoon. I was introduced to my tandem diver who was a short, stocky Polish chap with broken English. He was a bit gruff, but I guess I appreciated it as it meant that he wasn’t taking any chances with safety or protocol. I never would’ve thought that I’d have appreciated being tightly strapped to a sweaty Polish man but New Zealand has been full of surprises. I was first into the plane which meant the last out. While ascending I noticed that my shoulder strap was loose enough to fall off my shoulder. I brought it up with Poland and he said ‘’uh oh, that’s not good’’ then laughed with another tandem instructor before assuring me that it wouldn’t be tightened until we were properly strapped together just before the jump. I didn’t appreciate the in-flight humor. The worst shock came with watching the others leave the plane. The first woman’s screams were the perfect indication of how fast you’re moving once you exit the aircraft. It looked like she was being sucked into a vacuum cleaner and her scream dissipated instantly along with her. The proper jump position has your head tilted way back, resting on the shoulder of your tandem diver. This is probably so that you don’t look down and panic. You really have no say in the matter as, similar to bungee jumping, they get you falling as fast as they can, no pun intended. The brochure claims that at 12,000 feet (the height we dove from) one can expect 45 seconds of free-fall reaching 200kph. I don’t know what terminal velocity is but it’s face-flappingly fast. It’s so different from bungee jumping where you can tell you’re falling whereas sky diving feels like you’re suspended while being bombarded with air currents. About 5 seconds after leaving the plane the instructor taps your arms signalling that you can let go of your harness and move them about. I couldn’t put them back on the harness if I tried with the wind pushing me like it did. After the parachute kicks in and gives you quite the startle you remember where you are as well as how much distance still exists between you and solid ground. I had a surreal little chat 9000ft. above the Earth with a Polish dude I hadn’t known 20 minutes earlier. The couple of minutes it takes to ride the chute down to the landing zone are really indescribable. The view alone made me swear out loud at least 10 times, I felt a bit guilty. I quickly forgot my bad sleeps and disgruntled body as we sailed through the sky, the instructor throwing in the occasional trick turn just to keep me on edge. I was able to land right on my feet, not on my bum like they tell you to. In the end, I couldn’t wait to do it again. It was so much easier than bungee jumping simply because of perspective. Speaking of which, there is no rest for the wicked; I have three bungees over the next three days, beginning with today. I should be able to upload video of them too as the place we are staying at in Queenstown advertised free internet!